i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize