Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
