Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
