she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
