I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
