You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
