i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
