It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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