i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
