My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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