If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize