He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
