After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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