The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
