we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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