so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
