I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
