If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
