Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
