What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
