there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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