oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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