if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
