so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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