Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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