I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
