Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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