Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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