Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
