dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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