i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
