Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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