Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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