just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Im part way to drunk.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize