How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
