If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
