my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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