I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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