you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize