Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
