Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
