Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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