Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
