if you like me you must not know who I am
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
