So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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