I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
