my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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