Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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