he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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