Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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