I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
MIDGETS
????
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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