Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
