I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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