his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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