I met the friendliest cop last night
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
