Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
