can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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